happiness to me is going to the camera store and having a roll of film developed! its like Christmas to me.

You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always think of you.

you can close your eyes to the

 things you don't want to see. 

but you can't close your heart

 to the things you

 don't want to feel.

Kate Winslet

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

we are here
to laugh at the odds
and live our lives so well that
death will tremble
to take us

-charles bukowski

i wanna live in an cozy apartment where it rains a lot and it snows and i live near a coffee shop and read books all the time and fall in love with someone

findings

this is not a love poem

i miss you in my sleep
i miss you at my doorway, smiling at me
        with flowers in your hands
i miss you gently dreaming next to me
i miss you on long drives
i miss you in every melody
& every time i sing
i miss you when i wake (from dreams
in which you never appear)
I miss you when you're close enoug h
to touch (but always out o f  reac h)
I miss you when you smile & si lently
stare into me
I miss you when I drink coffee
& every time i pass the sea

most of all, i miss the minute b efore
we met, before that opened door
i miss the way i felt before you
i miss the ground under my feet
because that night, you ruined me

no, this is not a love poem-
because i'm mad at you
for making me fall
completely, uninhibitedly
fooli shly in love with you.

all i want to do in life is curl my hair and make scones and take pictures and sleep and listen to my music and wear dresses and draw and play the keyboard and tuck my shirts in and wear lipstick and go backpacking and read books and put flowers in my hair and run and play in the mud and kiss you and put togother puzzles and make bracelets and watch Aime and read webcomics and collect poetry and blog and write and go to the beach and learn and collect rocks and paint my nails and make coffee... buckets and buckets of it! and drink coffee and dream and learn a new language and go to the shake shack and climb tree's and shop online and rubble with my cats and play games on my ipod and go to summer camp and commit petty crimes with my friends and be in the car with my brothers and take zumba classes and wear sweaters and break in shoes and burn incense and look at abstract art and smell flowers and laugh and piece my ears and find a good pen and make snowmen and cut my hair (maybe) and wash my hair in the sink and color and paint and get henna tattoos and draw on my friends and bake cookies and walk and cuddle under trees with you and nap in your arms and go on missionary trips and preach the good news and just over all, experience life and its happiness it has to offer.

isn’t it crazy that you could meet your husband/wife at some random intersection or they could be someone you accidentally bump into on the street, ugh i’m just sitting here and i am so overwhelmed that your life could change so drastically so quickly and you wouldn’t even know it

my mother taught me this trick: if you repeat something over
and over again, it loses its meaning... our lives.
she said, are the same way. you watch the sunset too often,
and it just becomes 6pm.
you make the same mistakes over and over, you'll stop calling it a mistake.
if you just wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, one day,
you'll forget why. nothing is forever, she said."But for when you are living in The Lords love.
life is eternal. forever and forever my darling."

08/20/2012

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is. but love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain

all night i slept and dreamed i was

running. there was a mountain road

and flowers so beautiful i wanted to

pick them all and press them in a book.

that way i could keep them and

they wouldn't change.

i think you were running with me.

8/15/12

everyday i find myself endlessly thinking and thinking and thinking. expendable thoughts like unconnected, fleeting pieces of lucidity, drifting in a hopeless void.  nothing seems to stay concrete.

and so i write. running in perpetual circles, my scattered thoughts never ceasing.
I think I;m becoming more absent-minded by the second.

new love - Hey Ocean

I've lost my head, I've lost my way
trying to find, that I can't replace
three little words, I heard you say
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed
thought you said it was true love
now you wont repeat it
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

now that you've left, I feel the same
my empty bed calls out your name
how could you forget, how could you change?
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

thought you said it was true love
now you wont repeat it
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

I've searched all night and all the day
to see if I can recreate
the love we had, oh what a waste
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

been down one time, been down two times
been down three times, never going back again
I'm never going back again

;

i like to take pictures of my food

marmalade, marmalade, marmalade

(note to reader: i wrote this strange poem in grade eight. fyi. I was obsessed with marmalade.)

mmmm.. oh sweet, sweet, honey, and marmalade jam.
you bless my tummy so well, that it starts to dance.
Why you so good? why you so swell?
I think you're tasty, but cousin bonny tells me your icky
so i ate her brownie, and ran away screaming
as she chased me a hooting and hollering
floundering around in great grandmothers garden
hiding between roses and some cherry blossoms.
thankfully she didn't find me, cause I'm the master of
hide and go seek
"I AM THE MASTER" I yelled
as bonny came and found me!
I flopped and tumbled
as the roses came a-falling
I fell down that hill and went home a-running!
she came a-pounding through the grass and
down the hill and over the path
I caught my feet and found some tree's
and thats where Tinkerbell found me!
she throw some dust, some got in my eye
but I started to float! I started to fly!
Bonny failed and watched me soar
as I came through the window and wanted some more
i saw it there, it smiled at me
so i took another piece of toast and got in deep
I pulled out last bit of that magic and ate it gladly
now satisfied and full
I sat there in the kitchen rubbing my tummy
as happy as a bunny

He smiled at me through the nights glow. Holding me close, I felt his arms wrapped around my waist, as I placed my head against his chest. His shirt rubbed against my cheek, as I could hear his heart beat with every breath. I listened quietly, just standing there in his arms. "Wish you could stay." he said softly as I looked up at him. I stood there searching his wondering eyes. Lifting my hands through his hair and smiling, "If only I could." and then in that moment the sky-trains bell went off. People started coming off and the garden square became full of hundreds of people walking into all directions. I hung on to his hand as tight as i could, but the wondering crowd of people pulled me away. I jumped on my tip-toes and searched the crowd for those blue eyes. he was standing there, and with his hands in his pockets he smiled. I watched his face through the crowd of people, but soon I lost those blue eyes again.

walking onto the sky-train i leaned against a window, and with heavy eyes, I watched the gray boats in the harbor float across the oceans blue. I could still feel his arms around me. for my heart was filled. and my thoughts, taken up by the sound of his beating heart.