woke up this morning to a lovely sound. crawling out of bed, i stumbled quietly through the hallway to only discover my family all laughing and making breakfast together. i rubbed my hands over my tired eyes and felt content. my old brother sitting at the table drinking coffee and chatting with his beautiful girlfriend and my parents flirted between each pancake flip. and just outside and through the patio doors i heard my cousins playing guitar. they we're sitting on the deck, swinging their feet over the edge. walking through i sat down beside them as they play covers of Billy Joel and Jackson Browne. i honestly love mornings like this. i love how musical and happy my family gets on sunday mornings before church. my life is perfect.

Happiness.

a life well spent

-Being alone in bookstores
-long phone calls
-looking down at the clouds on an airplane
-because bands exist
-the feeling of drinking chocolate milk
-days when you meet all your goals
-buying art supplies
-laughing until your belly hurts
-drinking tea
-summer nights and fireflies
-peanut butter and jelly
-seeing the stars during late night drives
-kids laughing
-dancing in the rain
-good things are happening somewhere every minute of the day
-listening to thunderstorms
-memories
-the sun is there everyday
-fun trumpet solos
-meeting people with your music taste
-smiling without reason
-lying on your bed in your underwear after a long day
-cats
-lyrics that perfectly describe your situation
-taking naps
-how exited dogs get about everything
-the smell of campfire on your clothes
-those basically perfect kisses
-laying under trees

i still don't understand how you can stand next to someone you have so much history with. and not say a thing to them. 

lazy bones

I feel exhausted. Traveling really takes a toll on you... my nose is stuffy and my whole body feels swore. I need a complete day of lounging and watching my favorite tv shows. My comfy pj's are calling my name and that perfect worn out couch in the spare room is just begging me to lay on it. 

my must haves for today:

1. my laptop (to watch pretty little liars and game of thorns)

2. a massive bowl of fruit and yogurt!

3. my cat to cuddle with 

4. a comfy pillow and blanket

5. a cup of Yorkshire tea (amazing)

6. and maybe a cute guy to cuddle with to? (if only that was possible...) 

all my gates are closed

 it was curiosity, of trying to know you, after i heard so much of you. in the car on the way to the venue through the rain, i ran in with wet hair and searching eyes. people filled every space and i stood on my tiptoes in hopes it help me find you. moving past people with 'sorrys' and 'excuse mes' i found you there. sitting by the wooden tables with eyes glued on the band. I fixed my wet hair quickly. seeing me through the crowd you smiled and stood up. and with open arms you held me close.

I fell in love (well i thought i did) with someone
who didn't fall back
I kicked the ground
spat at the dirt
blamed the rocks
streetlights, parking lots
mosquitoes
anything/anyone but myself
its hard to come to terms with
the fact that
you've been searching for food
on an empty plate.

A list of priorities
(financially):

1. food
2. gasoline
3. drawing & painting supplies
4. coffee/tea
5. junk I don't need & takes up space

A list of my priorities
(mentally):

1. love
2. sleep
3. crying at least once a week
4. reading the bible
5. petting animals
6. hugs
7. playing guitar

I wish desperately that I could just know you. Instead of wondering what you were thinking about, I would just know. Its been almost a year since our last full length conversation, but there you are waiting in my dreams, forcing me to construct you into an illusion that would crumble if ever touched. These delusions have left me with nothing but bleeding hands and a broken heart. If only you knew how many pages I have stained with your name. But I have watched the earth move on without me and I have forced fed air into my lungs until my feet put one in front of the other and somehow I have ended up here. There are moments of you that play on an endless loop in my head and it wears me down like an eraser after too many mistakes. So here is my final plea. on my hands and knees I'm screaming the words I never said to you, begging you for that sideways smile of yours. I know I lost it a long time ago. But I just need to know what goes through your mind when you look at me through those eyes as deep as oceans. Just sit down with me and tell me what you think about, right before you let sleep take you away for the night, to meet me in my dreams. And please God, tell me that I'm not as crazy as I seem. You are all four seasons, you are snowflakes in the middle of July and I need to know why. I need to know who you became while I was out chasing these words.

You know you like someone when their presence fills the atmosphere instead of words.