Long handwritten note, deep in your pocket
words, how little they mean, when you're a little too late
I stood on the tracks, your face in a locket
Good girls, hopefully they'll be and long will wait

in dreams, i meet you in warm converstation
we both wake in lonely beds, different cities
and time is taking its sweet time erasing you

I've been in absolute sadness of how much I miss Grandville Island and all its fresh fruit. I wish the city I lived in had a public market like the one the island has. I never tasted such sweet and fresh tasting fruit before! my mouth was in heaven and i spent every last penny of mine on my last bag of grapes. I sat there looking out towards the city's landscape and the oceans blue while i munched down on my bag of fruit. I soaked in all its beauty for i knew this was my last day there until summer next year. And now I count the days till I return back to the Island and see all its beauty again. 

One day I'm going to wake up, roll over onto my side, and kiss the love of my life good morning.

It just seems like now days everybody is either an artist or photographer or a writer and it just seems to me that everybody is trying so hard to be different, because basically we all just end up the same in the end.

you will be okay, again in time
tears will fall all day, and ever climb
and your not inspired, you're waiting to be
eyes will get tired when waiting to fall asleep

you will be okay, to love again
and you will find your way in a crowd of friends
and i'll be a smile when you're open with me
when your so tired of wanting to be, someone else

darling you will be okay in time

mr. mac and espresso

I've been thinking

I've been thinking about these funny things i remember
like the time we held hands on the walk home in September
and the words you were feeding from the book that you were reading
i never understood them quite, but i wanted too (yea i wanted too)

I know I'm not the only one who loves you
and I know I'm not the only one who cares
and the love song that I wrote for you will never be your favorite
but i wont take it back, i wont take it back

i know its not original to say that I've missed you
but that's what keeps coming back to me
like the dusty old folk song in the key of C
something that can only be, a memory

I've have never been that good with words
but i hope you see, you mean so much to me

yesterday I soaked myself in a perfect cup of steaming french vanilla coffee and ate my favorite meal of the day, breakfy! Which included: scrambled eggs, fluffy whole-grain pancakes with strawberries and banana's loaded on top with organic maple syrup and two strips of crispy bacon! It was absolutely the greatest moment of my day! eating my favorite meal and drinking my favorite beverage and looking through this past summers/and old photographs of my many trips out west. I sat there at my kitchen table with my coffee in hand going back in my memories of every photograph i looked at. It was nice seeing the places I've been and the people I've met along the way on these journeys. I'm glad I took the time through these trips to take pictures of everything and everyone. I've always been the type to document everything. through random movie tickets i save from a night out with friends or a certain date with a special someone. I like to save things from old letters and bracelets given to me and even random event pamphlets from music festivals. so what i find is the best way to capture these special moments then saving an old ticket or pamphlet is photographs! for I take pictures of everything and everyone! I'm always shoving my camera in my friends faces and running to dangerous lengths at times to capture that perfect mountain peak view! I can't help it, i love capturing life, i love freezing moments i find beautiful, i just love having the ability to take a picture of something and keeping it forever. just a random post really.

in the summer sun we'll melt away and you'll kiss my hand

you make the simple things though so difficult, and i'll never understand

i get tongue tied, so twisted up, and you get so mad

and i would unwind with a flood of words I didn't know i had

oh to be so easily in love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7LfVuqJSDI

Del Barber. ^^ take a listen. he'll melt your heart with his twangy tunes 

in a single voice in an ocean with constant noise, somehow I recognized you're voice calling me out. side by side, every movement was memorized. choreographed before. the patterns and plants that climb these trees. there's no language for what I've seen. only the sweetness that brought me to my knees. and all these humbling words to know what it means. but our hearts are filled with its peace.

All I need to survive:

1. my camera

2. my favorite wool sweater 

3. my moleskin journal to write my thoughts 

Coffee + camping on a mountain. What could be more beautiful or perfect?

Lonnie Webb photo credit.

the door broke when you slammed it shut
the cracks kept reaching long after you left
through the floorboards, branching towards the hall
Like vines that never rest...
Climbing like fire through the walls.
a single spark that claims a whole forest
i know, i know.. its all for the best
but honestly, i would rather be
safe from a distance than here

A friend asked me yesterday, where I see myself five years from now. I sat there feeling clueless for a moment. For I like to say, that I be married to the man of my dreams, that I be living happily in the west coast, breathing in salt water waves and drinking coffee on Grandville Island, while eating crepes stuffed with fruit. Or I be somewhere venturous! Traveling the boarders of Europe and taking photos for National Geographic. Or I just be living here. Doing the same old same old that I've been doing forever now, living in the same little old town that doesn't have that much going for it. But one day I like to think that things will be different. Or maybe I'll be living here in this little town forever. And if that's the case, then I guess I'll be fine with that. For the people here are truly the only reason I stay.

Lanterns

there's something about tonight that just doesn't feel right. I can't shake it off, oh and trust me I've tried. all I can think about is that silly old leather string that was tied to his wrist. my mother tells me "Don't worry, everything will become light."
How long must i stare through this window, and see the things i need. cause I've been looking down for days, hoping to open that stare across your gaze, and i see myself inside your weary eyes. And how long must i sing these sorrowful solos? teach me all the things i need to learn, all that i need to know, to bring you back. I sing these hymns to call you in, i shout these songs to let you know. I use my voice to fill the space that I'm in. You were drifting, now you're gone, you were weak but now you're strong. now show me signs to let me know that I'll be okay. On the forest floor is where I'll lay, cause I'll keep singing these hymns to call you in, and I'll keep singing these songs to let you know.
My mind (heart) wont stop thinking of that night and those northern lights.
We ran those fields of gold and i watched you hold my hand through it all. Its august 21st, and i remember you stood there in front of me. i untied that silly old leather green string from my wrist to yours. "my love for you is cavernous" you said. If so, then why am I here singing our song solo?

You said it in a simple way. 4am the second day. How strange that I don't know you at all. But I feel as though I've known you for so long. We stumbled through the long goodbye, one last kiss and catch my flight. (Right when I was about to fall.)

I told myself not to get attached, but in my mind I keep playing it back, faster then the plane that took me. Now the feelings are sinking in, and I don't want to miss you like this. I guess now you're in those country roads today, I wish I could be there. I don't want to need you  this way, this feeling of lonesome weekends without you here. Come back, be here.

The delicate beginning rush, the feelings that you can know so much without knowing anything at all. The way he makes you're heart dance when hes in the room. And now that I can't put this down, and if I've known what I've know I wouldn't have played so nonchalant.

Sky trains cabs and busy streets, they never bring you back to me. I can't help but wish you took me with you. This is falling in love in the cruelest way, and this falling for you when you are worlds away. This is not fair that you're not around.

It’s funny how much you can be infatuated with someone that you don't even know. but you think you do?

Last night couple friends of mine went out to our local music cafe, to watch an evening of two talented musician’s sooth our ears with their hearts. I sat there cozy between friends in our seats watching dreamily. Imagining one day that could be me up there, pouring out original songs and making funny jokes and stories to the crowd. After the first musician played, another joined the stage for their spot light performance. He walked up smiling and thanked the crowd for being here. I sat there with my camera on my lap watching and drawing out each outline of his face. I snapped a quick photo of him laughing to the crowd as he tuned his guitar, asking them to wait patiently. My heart slightly began to race, I didn't know why, but there was something about him that caught my attention. Then he sang, and my heart just flew. His voice melted me. I couldn't help myself to fall in love. It’s crazy how fast the heart can fall for somebody that you barely know. I guess I've always been that way though? I've always been the type to fall in love at first sight. But some say that there is no such thing as love. It's a fantasy. I like to think otherwise.

brothers

Id have to say my best friend is my brother. We share a bond I haven't found in any other friend before. We get each other so well. we know how to make each other laugh, and know exactly how much cream and sugar to put in each others coffees. My brother has always been the one to tell me the truth about an issue I'm dealing with. We're completely honest with each other when asking advice on a relationship, or if the sweater I'm wearing looks good or not (the simply things haha) Or when one of us isn't feeling good, he's always there to throw a blanket around me while watching tv. my brother is my rock, my shield, my laughter. I be lost in this big old world if he wasn't here to protect me. he always knows what to do when i come home with broken heart. He smiles with that goofy little grin of his and i can't help myself to smile back. my brother is my best friend. and I wouldn't want it to be anybody else. Because its impossible for anybody else to even try to fill the stop he has.

But I also like to mention my older brother, who I love equally as well. Hes the goof of the family. He loves experiencing all that life has to offer him. He's a dreamer and always carrying me along on his many ideas. My older brother may be tall and intimidating, but he has a heart of gold.

I'm so blessed to have these two amazing men in my life to call home.

stillness

its the dead of night and my family is sound asleep in their beds. dreaming dreams that are dancing like smoke into the brisk autumn air, coming through the open windows. and with my bare skin wrapped tightly in blankets. I hear my parents talking softly to each other across the hall, of relatives coming for Thanksgiving. Their voices dance down the halls and through my room, soothing my heavy eyes to sleep. My home is within me, wherever I go, but home is here now, At times though I feel stuck in this house. traveling gave me purpose and left me with no time to think deeply. at times it is easier to regard the past as something that happened to someone else, like a girl in a novel or a film. at other times it’s too difficult to pretend. but the morning comes and the most beautiful smiles enter my life. with eyes aglow like mine and i can’t possibly be any happier. i feel my heart constantly growing to allow room for all the love i have for my family. with them here and a house that is growing into a nest of our inspirations and ideas, I feel content, why leave such love that embraces me everyday? though my soul aches for the open road and sleeping under those starry mountain skies. I know my place is here, for now.

we,
took a trail then to the beach where, we heard the music play before.
the fires they went on forever, like flaming jewels on the shore.
we sat there soaking up the starlight, and sang aloud to every song
even though we didn't know the words, we made them up as we went along
- Hey Ocean

there's a song inside of me, with your name written on it.

Yesterday while driving, I flopped in an old disc into the stereo and not knowing what I put in, I started to hear a song that brought a smile to my face. An old memory of someone/a time. And I thought about how many people have loved those certain songs. A memory of then/of when they felt in love or a memory of a summers day by the campfire with friends.
And I thought about just how many people got through a lot of bad times with those certain songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if i wrote one of them, i would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope that they feel it's enough. I really do because they've made me happy. and I'm only one person.

hey ocean

love this band. been on constent repeat on my ipod

can't remember your last smile
i think i made it happen though
then you took me off to the station once more
i know that look in your eyes (you don't want to say what your thinking)
and i use to blame myself, for the ways of your thinking
there's a hole in this story, there's something i haven't seen
and for now, you want to keep it to yourself
but if you're lonely, tell me

I have tried and tried, and i can't seem to find any good sleep
you think i will just go on without noticing?
your attentions are sweet. but you don't want to listen to me
would you rather have us complete this misery?

happiness to me is going to the camera store and having a roll of film developed! its like Christmas to me.

You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always think of you.

you can close your eyes to the

 things you don't want to see. 

but you can't close your heart

 to the things you

 don't want to feel.

Kate Winslet

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

we are here
to laugh at the odds
and live our lives so well that
death will tremble
to take us

-charles bukowski

i wanna live in an cozy apartment where it rains a lot and it snows and i live near a coffee shop and read books all the time and fall in love with someone

findings

this is not a love poem

i miss you in my sleep
i miss you at my doorway, smiling at me
        with flowers in your hands
i miss you gently dreaming next to me
i miss you on long drives
i miss you in every melody
& every time i sing
i miss you when i wake (from dreams
in which you never appear)
I miss you when you're close enoug h
to touch (but always out o f  reac h)
I miss you when you smile & si lently
stare into me
I miss you when I drink coffee
& every time i pass the sea

most of all, i miss the minute b efore
we met, before that opened door
i miss the way i felt before you
i miss the ground under my feet
because that night, you ruined me

no, this is not a love poem-
because i'm mad at you
for making me fall
completely, uninhibitedly
fooli shly in love with you.

all i want to do in life is curl my hair and make scones and take pictures and sleep and listen to my music and wear dresses and draw and play the keyboard and tuck my shirts in and wear lipstick and go backpacking and read books and put flowers in my hair and run and play in the mud and kiss you and put togother puzzles and make bracelets and watch Aime and read webcomics and collect poetry and blog and write and go to the beach and learn and collect rocks and paint my nails and make coffee... buckets and buckets of it! and drink coffee and dream and learn a new language and go to the shake shack and climb tree's and shop online and rubble with my cats and play games on my ipod and go to summer camp and commit petty crimes with my friends and be in the car with my brothers and take zumba classes and wear sweaters and break in shoes and burn incense and look at abstract art and smell flowers and laugh and piece my ears and find a good pen and make snowmen and cut my hair (maybe) and wash my hair in the sink and color and paint and get henna tattoos and draw on my friends and bake cookies and walk and cuddle under trees with you and nap in your arms and go on missionary trips and preach the good news and just over all, experience life and its happiness it has to offer.

isn’t it crazy that you could meet your husband/wife at some random intersection or they could be someone you accidentally bump into on the street, ugh i’m just sitting here and i am so overwhelmed that your life could change so drastically so quickly and you wouldn’t even know it

my mother taught me this trick: if you repeat something over
and over again, it loses its meaning... our lives.
she said, are the same way. you watch the sunset too often,
and it just becomes 6pm.
you make the same mistakes over and over, you'll stop calling it a mistake.
if you just wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, one day,
you'll forget why. nothing is forever, she said."But for when you are living in The Lords love.
life is eternal. forever and forever my darling."

08/20/2012

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is. but love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain

all night i slept and dreamed i was

running. there was a mountain road

and flowers so beautiful i wanted to

pick them all and press them in a book.

that way i could keep them and

they wouldn't change.

i think you were running with me.

8/15/12

everyday i find myself endlessly thinking and thinking and thinking. expendable thoughts like unconnected, fleeting pieces of lucidity, drifting in a hopeless void.  nothing seems to stay concrete.

and so i write. running in perpetual circles, my scattered thoughts never ceasing.
I think I;m becoming more absent-minded by the second.

new love - Hey Ocean

I've lost my head, I've lost my way
trying to find, that I can't replace
three little words, I heard you say
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed
thought you said it was true love
now you wont repeat it
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

now that you've left, I feel the same
my empty bed calls out your name
how could you forget, how could you change?
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

thought you said it was true love
now you wont repeat it
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

I've searched all night and all the day
to see if I can recreate
the love we had, oh what a waste
I'm not looking for new love
you were all I needed

been down one time, been down two times
been down three times, never going back again
I'm never going back again

;

i like to take pictures of my food

marmalade, marmalade, marmalade

(note to reader: i wrote this strange poem in grade eight. fyi. I was obsessed with marmalade.)

mmmm.. oh sweet, sweet, honey, and marmalade jam.
you bless my tummy so well, that it starts to dance.
Why you so good? why you so swell?
I think you're tasty, but cousin bonny tells me your icky
so i ate her brownie, and ran away screaming
as she chased me a hooting and hollering
floundering around in great grandmothers garden
hiding between roses and some cherry blossoms.
thankfully she didn't find me, cause I'm the master of
hide and go seek
"I AM THE MASTER" I yelled
as bonny came and found me!
I flopped and tumbled
as the roses came a-falling
I fell down that hill and went home a-running!
she came a-pounding through the grass and
down the hill and over the path
I caught my feet and found some tree's
and thats where Tinkerbell found me!
she throw some dust, some got in my eye
but I started to float! I started to fly!
Bonny failed and watched me soar
as I came through the window and wanted some more
i saw it there, it smiled at me
so i took another piece of toast and got in deep
I pulled out last bit of that magic and ate it gladly
now satisfied and full
I sat there in the kitchen rubbing my tummy
as happy as a bunny

He smiled at me through the nights glow. Holding me close, I felt his arms wrapped around my waist, as I placed my head against his chest. His shirt rubbed against my cheek, as I could hear his heart beat with every breath. I listened quietly, just standing there in his arms. "Wish you could stay." he said softly as I looked up at him. I stood there searching his wondering eyes. Lifting my hands through his hair and smiling, "If only I could." and then in that moment the sky-trains bell went off. People started coming off and the garden square became full of hundreds of people walking into all directions. I hung on to his hand as tight as i could, but the wondering crowd of people pulled me away. I jumped on my tip-toes and searched the crowd for those blue eyes. he was standing there, and with his hands in his pockets he smiled. I watched his face through the crowd of people, but soon I lost those blue eyes again.

walking onto the sky-train i leaned against a window, and with heavy eyes, I watched the gray boats in the harbor float across the oceans blue. I could still feel his arms around me. for my heart was filled. and my thoughts, taken up by the sound of his beating heart.

woke up this morning to a lovely sound. crawling out of bed, i stumbled quietly through the hallway to only discover my family all laughing and making breakfast together. i rubbed my hands over my tired eyes and felt content. my old brother sitting at the table drinking coffee and chatting with his beautiful girlfriend and my parents flirted between each pancake flip. and just outside and through the patio doors i heard my cousins playing guitar. they we're sitting on the deck, swinging their feet over the edge. walking through i sat down beside them as they play covers of Billy Joel and Jackson Browne. i honestly love mornings like this. i love how musical and happy my family gets on sunday mornings before church. my life is perfect.

Happiness.

a life well spent

-Being alone in bookstores
-long phone calls
-looking down at the clouds on an airplane
-because bands exist
-the feeling of drinking chocolate milk
-days when you meet all your goals
-buying art supplies
-laughing until your belly hurts
-drinking tea
-summer nights and fireflies
-peanut butter and jelly
-seeing the stars during late night drives
-kids laughing
-dancing in the rain
-good things are happening somewhere every minute of the day
-listening to thunderstorms
-memories
-the sun is there everyday
-fun trumpet solos
-meeting people with your music taste
-smiling without reason
-lying on your bed in your underwear after a long day
-cats
-lyrics that perfectly describe your situation
-taking naps
-how exited dogs get about everything
-the smell of campfire on your clothes
-those basically perfect kisses
-laying under trees

i still don't understand how you can stand next to someone you have so much history with. and not say a thing to them. 

lazy bones

I feel exhausted. Traveling really takes a toll on you... my nose is stuffy and my whole body feels swore. I need a complete day of lounging and watching my favorite tv shows. My comfy pj's are calling my name and that perfect worn out couch in the spare room is just begging me to lay on it. 

my must haves for today:

1. my laptop (to watch pretty little liars and game of thorns)

2. a massive bowl of fruit and yogurt!

3. my cat to cuddle with 

4. a comfy pillow and blanket

5. a cup of Yorkshire tea (amazing)

6. and maybe a cute guy to cuddle with to? (if only that was possible...) 

all my gates are closed

 it was curiosity, of trying to know you, after i heard so much of you. in the car on the way to the venue through the rain, i ran in with wet hair and searching eyes. people filled every space and i stood on my tiptoes in hopes it help me find you. moving past people with 'sorrys' and 'excuse mes' i found you there. sitting by the wooden tables with eyes glued on the band. I fixed my wet hair quickly. seeing me through the crowd you smiled and stood up. and with open arms you held me close.

I fell in love (well i thought i did) with someone
who didn't fall back
I kicked the ground
spat at the dirt
blamed the rocks
streetlights, parking lots
mosquitoes
anything/anyone but myself
its hard to come to terms with
the fact that
you've been searching for food
on an empty plate.

A list of priorities
(financially):

1. food
2. gasoline
3. drawing & painting supplies
4. coffee/tea
5. junk I don't need & takes up space

A list of my priorities
(mentally):

1. love
2. sleep
3. crying at least once a week
4. reading the bible
5. petting animals
6. hugs
7. playing guitar

I wish desperately that I could just know you. Instead of wondering what you were thinking about, I would just know. Its been almost a year since our last full length conversation, but there you are waiting in my dreams, forcing me to construct you into an illusion that would crumble if ever touched. These delusions have left me with nothing but bleeding hands and a broken heart. If only you knew how many pages I have stained with your name. But I have watched the earth move on without me and I have forced fed air into my lungs until my feet put one in front of the other and somehow I have ended up here. There are moments of you that play on an endless loop in my head and it wears me down like an eraser after too many mistakes. So here is my final plea. on my hands and knees I'm screaming the words I never said to you, begging you for that sideways smile of yours. I know I lost it a long time ago. But I just need to know what goes through your mind when you look at me through those eyes as deep as oceans. Just sit down with me and tell me what you think about, right before you let sleep take you away for the night, to meet me in my dreams. And please God, tell me that I'm not as crazy as I seem. You are all four seasons, you are snowflakes in the middle of July and I need to know why. I need to know who you became while I was out chasing these words.

You know you like someone when their presence fills the atmosphere instead of words.

bbbbb

you be a mystery and I will uncover the truth

you be the course and i'll be the verse you go through

you be the dynamite of the walls that we take apart

you be my walker and stay with me when i go frail

you be the wind and direct me like a sail

you be John Lennon and i'll be the world that he sees

sweet midsummer night with you in my life

with you in my life

I'll be the vase and you be the comfort I hold

you be stranded and i'll bring you in from the cold

I'll be Teresa and you be her hands to the poor

you be train tracks and i'll never leave you for long

you be the new land, and i'll put a home in your arms

you be the coffee that brings me to life in the cold winter blues

i'll be your lady and you'll be my man through and through

highway

some how you lifted your eyes above,
we move slowly, covering each others eyes
the promises you speak, but hardly made
your stuck in my head and this highway is getting longer

we move forward to home, but we never know
to what distance will grow between
but i'll always know

you tell me to look at the stars
and with my hands in my hair
you cannot remember me anymore
we run faster now, and this distance is growing
it will always grow
and i'll always know

somehow we've come down this road, 
carried ourselves along the riverbed
with what we've done 
and a compass to show us what we've gone through

ingersoll

all my love, you are on fire too, against your lungs

and i against my eye lids

to separate the time

spent away

oh my god, we are on fire too, against the thread

by the very fact too, celebrate the time

spent today

i meet you at the boarder cross

and give up kisses like a winters frost

bundled tight in your over coat, i seen your eyes

through a mount of snow

how come?

and with whats been done and gone, I guess you'll never know. what a way to care and here we are staring at each other, filling our heads with what we've done and a compass to show us what we've gone through. For after all that comfort that found us beneath those trees. I laid so many thoughts of you. Maybe I'm a fool to fall so quickly? for all that time spent away from you, I ran myself thin. Although we did celebrated the days we had. It was hard to keep myself from dreaming that you were here with me. For I still to this day question myself if I'm to blame for this. And even though you claimed it had nothing to do with me.. I still felt as though it did. Is it so hard to look my way now? Saddens me so to watch you walk past me in silence. To see a person I once knew, shared countless hours and memories together, walk past me like I'm a complete stranger. I stared at you, confused, and most utterly insulted to say the least. You probably have no idea how difficult it was for me to watch the person I so deeply cared for walk away and leave my heart on the table with out a single clue to what they done.

I wonder if people think I have an emotional problem from reading my blog. I sound pretty darn clingy and crazy from all my poetry, lyrics and random love notes to boys who i leave nameless. well thats what i think. hopefully readers just think im being an artsy fartsy. whats so wrong with being in love with the thought of being in love?

And the saddest thing-
Is all of it could have been avoided
But it was like to stop consuming is to stop being human
And why would I make a change if you won't
We're all in the same boat, staying afloat
For the moment

Take me down to the water

fill you up with the deepest of sorrows

that's my name, that's my brother

shine a light on my home

Oh I was frightened when you put your face in

the mouth of the cavern, the mercy water tides

what a relief to see, all your sins dissolved

with out a washing cloth

with the stillness of the night
-Aidan Knight

His atoning work of death on the cross

Feeling sick isn't from the Lord. I've been struggling with this head cold and chest cold for the past week and it isn't pleasant whatsoever. Its really rare when I get sick and even if its a simple cold or runny nose. Being stuck in the house for almost a week is horrid! But all at once I'm guilty for taking pleasure in it. I'm never lazy, I never take time off to really sit back and watch 2 to 3 movies in one sitting. Thank goodness I still live at home and my mother is such a gem to take care of me. One of my favorite things she's been giving me that has really improved my health is her famous Lemon and Honey drink! But besides the house remedies.. she reads me the word every night. Hearing her read those verses every night really strengthens me in my sleep. Its a struggle to sleep at night with a fever and a headache that spikes to the roof! But I hold on to God's promise and know that this suffering is not mine but his. For he took it on the cross.

I don't know why I'm writing about feeling sick. I guess it was on my heart to write about it. That even in sickness and pain Jesus can heal. "Surely he has borne our grief’s and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted."- Isaiah 53:4 

sibs

ah my brothers. They pour so much heart and love into my life. We talked for hours today of our crazy ideas and summer plans. We ate homemade banana bread and drank coffee at the coziest cafe down town! I j'adore spending time with my brothers because I don't get that many chances to do so, so when I do I soak in every second. They're my best friends and I don't know what I do in this big old world with out them there by my side, protecting me, teasing me, and squeezing me in a sandwich hug. They may be older then me by five years, but the age distance doesn't bother me one bit! We're so close that we don't even notice. My brothers are my rock, my childhood memories. They're always there to give me advice and hold me under they're wings. I remember long ago when I was younger I was afraid to ride the log ride at the fair. But David told me to conquer my fears and be the kid at school who says I wasn't a chicken to ride it, haha. I'm so happy to have them and so blessed. Recently over Christmas break my brothers knew I was having a hard time so they took me out on the town with their lovely girlfriends. I was surrounded by my favorite people and couldn't be happier of how to spend a Wednesday night. They look out for me always. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

look up into the sky love

'its a quarter past ten and he looked at me with wondering eyes. His face was gentle and his voice was soft. I touched his smile, he kept laughing as my fingers glided across as he stop my hand kissed my fingertips. He smiled and gave me that tilted grin. I adore. he laughed at me softly and leaned in to me as he placed his hand against my cheek and said "I am so blessed." I smiled at him and rubbed my nose against his, which we call 'Eskimo kisses' and soon enough it was cold up there. Wrapped his arms around my waist he pulled me in close to him. Leaning against his chest he pointed up into the sky, "look up" he told me, "Its amazing, how beautiful God's hands are." My eyes gazed across the night sky, and when looking up at J. I watched his eyes dazzle brightly into those big old stars. Glancing down at me he grinned and began to sing. "Look up look up into the sky love and see that big old moon shining right above us. It rolls around with a bunch of scientific stuff, I like to think it does just because he loves us." A sudden peace came over me. I held tightly to his hand, and smiled. I sat there thanking God for such a beautiful and kind hearted-man like J to be in my life.' - An entry from my moleskin journal. Dated: September 2011. All i know that the morning that i woke, i knew something now that I didn't before. and all i seen since 18 hours ago is, blue eyes, perfect smile, in the back of my mind, making me feel like i just want you to know. cause all I've known is that you said hello and i was stuck and that look in your eyes became home. and all i know is that you held the door, and since yesterday, everything has changed. And all i feel is that my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind that is making me feel like. that i wish you knew, but all i know is yesterday has changed. come back to and tell me why, cause I'm missing you, and tell me tonight that this is not all in my mind. I just want you to know that i wish that things were different. 

Rainer Maria Rilke

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.